All Night Forever

Fri, 06 Aug 2004 00:22:06 GMT

So it's almost time for the last Threadfall, and I've got the computer for just a few minutes before it starts. I haven't posted in forever, and I might not again, but I had to say something right now.

I finally made a decision as to what I wanted to do with V'ten. I decided that I just wanted out, to leave and not have anything to do with Pern and MUSHing and V'ten anymore.

I asked for permission to kill V'ten in the final Fall. I never heard back on whether or not that was approved, so, even though I prepared an emit, it won't be used. I won't be back again, though. V'ten will not move forward. Maybe he'll go on and be happy in the past, settle down with a new weyrmate that he loves, have a family of his own, even. I don't know. To me, though, he is dead. Below is the emit I wrote for the Fall. Though it won't actually have occurred to the MUSH, to me, it is fact.

The rain continues, glum and depressing as the Threadfall itself. Through the grey skies soars Ryanath, with V'ten on his back. For once, they seem to be enjoying the fight, flaming whatever Thread falls within the reach of Ryanath's fire. As the end of the fall nears, however, both, particularly V'ten, gain confidence to the point of arrogance. This is their downfall. Ryanath glides toward one small patch of Thread, intent on charring it to ash, but he and his rider alike fail to see the much larger clump of silver Thread above them. The strands engulf them. A pained bugle and a scream rise together, then merciful silence as V'ten and Ryanath blink between. Three heartbeats later, the keening begins.

Sat, 29 May 2004 04:11:06 GMT

I'm a real fuck-up sometimes.

I think I just pissed off the few people -- school, church, family, and online -- who still actually talk to me today with my general moodiness, lack of talking, etc.

Sorry, guys.

Sat, 29 May 2004 01:10:49 GMT

Got my driver's license suspended for sixty days.

Fri, 28 May 2004 19:50:24 GMT

It's raining here. Pouring, really. I noticed it was sprinkling when I went out to see how much food the dogs had, and while I stood there and watched the bottom dropped out. It's really windy, too. I've been snapping pictures just to amuse myself. The satellite's gone out, and I keep thinking I hear thunder. I hope it just rains, though: I love rainy days, and I don't want it to start lightning and me to have to get off the computer. Not that I'm doing crap on it, anyway. I just updated my book list with the ones I got while on vacation, and now I'm just sitting here, staring out the window. It's actually kind of relaxing.

Fri, 28 May 2004 19:35:19 GMT

Not much to talk about. We got home Thursday night. Go visit brazenbronzer if you want to hear all the details.

So I guess V'ten's injury went through. I'm looking for a log of the Threadfall, if anyone has one.

I think I'm going to take V'ten forward. I may idle him off there, but I'm going to give him a shot, at least. I'm thinking about sending him over to Ierne, just because I'm tired of Southern. Holly says I should, but then, she's all excited about it because she's going. I'm not sure yet on anything, really.

I was kind of hoping for some RP today, with poor V'ten. Then I realized that hey, he's going to be stuck in the infirmary for a while, so. I really dunno how to play an injury that well or anything, so I guess we'll see.

I wanted to do a little something maybe last night, but despite the fact that /I/ carried the computer in, Holly promptly stole it and got out to RP herself. She's eating something now, so I took the opportunity to steal it for myself for a few minutes.

Mon, 24 May 2004 01:59:41 GMT

Talked to Kayjay and got the go-ahead on the injury. Already sent in the emit to Kenrid, too, so that's settled.

Mon, 24 May 2004 01:57:10 GMT

Havath won.

I suppose I should be happy I didn't mav, even if I did hit enter once before I meant to. Probably should say something to me, since it was my catch attempt and I was about to wax poetic on the 'She must choose him. There are no other options; he must make her see that she must choose him' vein.

Mon, 24 May 2004 00:53:55 GMT

Why do I always get nervous at flights? I don't really feel like I should be, but I am, invariably. Doesn't matter if I know I'm not going to win, or if I know I /am/ going to win. I still get nervous. Weird. Also annoying.

Fri, 21 May 2004 21:54:47 GMT

Ryann's having a flight Sunday. Yay! I'll get to have a bit of fun /before/ we go on our fun (Ha!) vacation. It's at 7, so I'll have to remember not to let Mom force me into going to church. She's gotten better about that, actually, even if she does yell at me that I'm not a Christian now. The problem is the self-righteous bunch of cliquish hypocrites that make up the church. I can't stand them, and she gets bent out of shape about that -- like she's so great and wonderful. Only reason she teaches Sunday school is 'cause the preacher guilt-tripped her into one Sunday with his message. Gah.

Am kind of excited now. Holly's been reading all day, and we watched a movie earlier. Being home alone is nice. She's a lot more bearable when there's nobody else aroumd. (And yes, Holly, I know you're reading this. ;))

Fri, 21 May 2004 18:56:48 GMT

Well, I'm a senior now. Woo. One more year until I can move out.

*sigh* Not looking forward to this summer. I'm gonna spend the whole thing sitting at home, like last summer. Except last summer, I liked V'ten and had fun playing him. It was nothing to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning doing a scene with Ryann or Cassandra. Now, though...

I'm lucky if I can manage to put up with him for an hour or two. Had a small one with Ryann and Alina the other night, and I wanted to strangle him. He might be able to handle each of them alone, but together? Uh, how about a resounding, 'no'.

So now I'm just lurking around in my cottage again. As I said earlier: Woo. Still haven't heard back on whether I can go through with Vette's injury. They need to be hurrying up with that; I'm leaving Monday and won't be back until Thursday, and I have to have the emit written before then.

Mon, 17 May 2004 20:54:05 GMT

Fuck. Now my mom's trying to be nice. She's even making us chocolate popcorn. And she told us about the wonderful vacation she's planned for us as soon as school lets out: Yep, we're going back to Biloxi. I didn't enjoy it much the first time, or the second time (which was also a surprise, and made me miss an important football game that I could finally drive myself to as well as the fall hatching at Southern on SouCon).

So that means I'm going to be gone for the Threadfall. I suppose I'll just have to write an emit or something with Vette getting hurt and RP the consequences. Fuck. I really wanted to play that out on-camera, but no. My family doesn't bother to ask my opinion on anything.

In other news, Holly's pissed, too. She just found out that she'll be spending the two weeks I'm at "camp" with her mother. With no computer and no internet. I'm kind of pleased, since I won't have internet access, either, but I feel bad that I'm happy about that. It'll be like the last two weeks of weyrlinghood, or something. She might even be missing graduation, we're not sure yet. I had to miss my graduation, so I know how that goes. I didn't get home until it was almost over -- not that I could stay long, anyway.

Mon, 17 May 2004 19:12:35 GMT

I hate my mother.

Why can't she just leave me alone and stay out of my business?

She signed me up to go to a two-week long think in June at some college. She signed me up for a mentorship program this year. She just signed me up for next year, too. She signed me up to volunteer at the library. She tried to sign me up for vacation Bible school, but I marked my name off and told them I was going to be gone.

I don't want to do any of that shit, but she doesn't listen to me. She never has, so why start now? It's not like I'm a mature sixteen-year-old who will be a senior in two days.

We had a big fight about the PALS thing today. I had to fill out some evaluation on the brat and then what I would be willing to do next year. She filled it out for me like I'm an idiot. Then she tried to tell me I was a graduating senior when I'm just graduating to a senior.

One year.

Then I'm moving as far away as I can get.

Sat, 15 May 2004 21:23:58 GMT

While Holly's waiting on her class to start, I stole the computer to make a post.

We've got threadfall coming up soon. I asked to seriously injure Vette. Not kill him, but just hurt him and Ryanath and ground them for a while. No word yet on if I'll be allowed to do it, but I already feel guilty about trying to hurt him.

I feel like I'm ruining other people's fun, too, because Vette's an asshole and I'm always bitching about him, SouCon, and life in general.

...

Also got word that a guy I knew who went to one of the local public schools drowned yesterday while canoeing. :/ He was a senior, about to graduate in just a few days. :(

Mon, 10 May 2004 18:29:58 GMT

Hardly anybody was at school today. The baseball guys didn't have to come because they were leaving at 9 to go to a game about six hours away. The band left at 9:30 for.. something, and the softball girls left at 11:40 for a game. I got to leave at 12, and everyone else got to leave at 12:15. It's nice getting out early. Of course, I have to stay and watch the office during my free period, or I could leave at 11:40 everyday. Grr.

I got my hair cut. I'm really happy. It was getting way too long to do anything. Got it highlighted, too, which I'm slightly less thrilled about. It looks okay, but it has dark blonde and reddish streaks in it. My hair's naturally dark brown.

Right now, I'm putting off the chemistry work I should be doing and instead listening to Yellowcard's "Ocean Avenue" over and over. I'll do it first thing tomorrow, while my English teacher lectures us on phonetic spelling and mixes up all her macrons and schwas and whatevers. Chemistry is really the only class we're doing work in, although we're not having another test. The teacher got annoyed with me because I called it busy work. All the teachers hate us now, actually, because we're almost seniors and it's the end of the year. We're rebellious. It's entertaining, though.

Fri, 07 May 2004 04:42:20 GMT

Turned in research paper Wednesday. Tanner (V'ten's basis) called me that afternoon. I didn't even know he had my cell phone number. I was all excited when he told me who it was.

Then he wanted to know how to do a character analysis.

Oh, well.

Got my history final back. I made a 96. After he didn't count seven of them wrong because we didn't specifically go over them in class. And then scaled the grades a bit. Not good.

Some of us went out to eat at the mall after school Wednesday. We had a pretty good time.

Beyond that, life has been dull. It's been nearly a week since I connected to SouCon. I was okay for a while, had some pretty good RP, though V'ten was rebounding nicely... then I lost it again. I've had basically no incentive to connect. I see everybody in their little rooms with their little friends, and I miss having that and I feel so upset that I screwed that up that I don't have any wish to do anything. So I just hand the computer over to Holly and let her go off with her little friends.

We have to know what we're going to do with our characters by the end of June, I think.

I'm really considering just quitting and not doing anything. It would probably be best if I did, because maybe then I could move on and forget about it. It's hardly a big leap from how much I've been on lately to not being on at all.

I hate just sitting around and bemoaning how things are. I feel like such a whiny-ass loser who's all upset over a game. But it's more than just a game to me. It was such a big part of my life that now that I've lost it I don't know what to do. I try to talk about something else, and I inevitably end up droning on and on about the same bitchy drivel that no one, not even me, wants to hear about.

Next post I'm doing, I'm going to try to sound optimistic. Or something like it. Yeah, right. *snort*

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 23:36:44 GMT

Right. So I just found out we're going to Mississippi for Decoration Day Sunday. Apparently, we're leaving tomorrow afternoon.

Right after I finish my SAT test.

That I had forgotten about. There goes all my hopes of making a 1600. I'll probably do really good on the English, but the math? No way. I haven't had a math course this year at all. This is because my school is screwed up.

In eighth grade, you take algebra 1/2. I took algebra 1. In ninth, you take algebra 1. I took college-level algebra 2. In tenth, you take regular- or college-level algebra. I took geometry /and/ the semester of pre-calculus we offer. In eleventh, you take geometry, and pre-calculus if you want. So this year, to get back in sync with everyone else, I didn't take math. Next year, I'll only have to take a semester of advanced math, because I'm 1/2 credit ahead because of the pre-cal course.

So, because I didn't know I was taking the SAT tomorrow, I didn't study any of the trig stuff I haven't had, and the other stuff I haven't done in a year. So I will probably not do too well. And this is the test that determines if I'm a National Merit Finalist. *sigh*

While we're riding to MS tomorrow, I'm going to be type-type-typing away on my computer, working on my research paper, too.

In other news, I finally told Megan off today. No one was in a good mood because it was Friday and rainy and there were base/softball games to go to. And she's been a real jerk lately to me because she said something to me that really offended me, so I ignored her for a few days. And today, she just pushed the right buttons. She said, in that 'what have I ever done to anyone, especially you?' tone of voice, "You've been real mean to me lately." My reply? "Shut the hell up, you histrionic bitch."

I felt a lot better then. I don't think she knows what 'histrionic' means, but it's a real good description of her. She's gotten on my nerves most of the time I've known her, but usually I just ignore it and go on. I just haven't been in the mood to put up with it this week. We'll probably be fine again by Monday; that's how things work at my school. You hate each other for one day, then the next it's back to normal.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 22:02:55 GMT

If there's one good thing about not being on or wanting to RP, it's that I can't be bothered by a certain person who won't leave me alone. I haven't talked to her in forever, and it is good. Maybe she's finally figured out that I don't particularly care to talk to her or RP with her. Anyway, she's apparently got somebody else to chase after now, or he's chasing her, I think. Thank God. I don't want to put up with that anymore. I'm not in the mood for it.

Especially considering my character (that I hate) still has a better love life than I do. My /dad/ tried to set me up with the son of this guy he works with. Apparently, rumours are now circulating around the city's other Christian school (that the guy goes to) that we went to /their/ prom together, and are "talking" or something like that.

I've never even met the guy.

Yep, life sucks.

Watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton the other night with Mom and Holly. Topher Grace is hot. It was a good movie, yet oddly depressing. I ended up nearly crying. *sigh* That seems to be happening a lot lately. I hate that.

His character in the movie reminds me of Zack, strangely and implausibly. Strangely because they're not much alike, and implausibly because the character falls in love with /his/ best friend. Obviously, Zack does not, or his best friend is someone entirely different.

Yep, life sucks.

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 21:34:41 GMT

I haven't updated in forever. I don't care. There's all of what, one person? who reads this anyway, so. Life pretty well sucks right now. I have a research paper due that I know almost nothing about, I have two finals next week, two hard tests tomorrow, and my parents have decided to give all the puppies to the animal shelter.

I also never get to see my computer anymore. Holly practically lives on it, but I don't care. She impressed a bronze at the hatching a couple of weeks ago, and she loves her character.

I hate mine.

Hate passionately.

I'm so out of touch with him. I can't write him any more, he isn't what he should be. His former weyrmate had her baby (which, as most everyone (that is, all one people) who reads this knows, isn't his), and I don't know what he thinks about this. Used to, I didn't know how he'd react until I write something with him anyway, but now I don't even know if I try to. More and more I'm thinking of killing him and leaving. I've basically given up on the idea of starting another character, because they couldn't replace him and I'd end up idling off and feeling bad about it. Vette's probably not going forward after this pass. I'll just make up some drivel about him staying behind and being happy that Thread's over, or I'll send him forward as an NPC so he can have fun and enjoy the adventure of it all. *shrug* I don't care. I haven't RPed with him in weeks, since well before the hatching. When I do, he seems so shallow and undeveloped and I don't know what to pose because I don't know him anymore.

I've been thinking of applying for a job at McRae's over the summer, just for something to do. A couple of my friends are. I spent most of last summer up until 3 or 4 am RPing almost every night. This summer, I have no urge to do that. All I do now is work on my project for school, mope around the house, read, and watch Law and Order on TV. Meanwhile, Holly goes about her RPing, having fun, enjoying herself. It's not fun for me anymore. I feel like those jaded dinos you run across all the time, the ones who connect just to ledge-sit and complain about the newbies and twinks, but I shouldn't be like that. I don't complain much, anyway; I just sit in my little cottage and /maybe/ on a good day say 'Hi' and a few words on the knot. Usually not even that much. I just sit there and stare at the screen, or I'll go read or eat or watch TV and leave the computer running. It's not like I'm trying to carry on some RP or a page/knot conversation with anyone.

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 05:38:40 GMT

Holly is making me go to prom. I don't want to. I'm just going to be following her and her date around like a lost puppy, except much less adorable. She's mad at me because I ruin her RP because I'm upset about prom. I can't help it, I don't want to be. I wish she'd just leave me alone and stop trying to help. It doesn't work.

I decided if Zack asked me, I'd tell him no. The bastard. He didn't ask, though. Of course. Everyone's trying to talk me into going. I don't think they really care, though.

I got out and RPed a little today. It didn't really make me feel better, it just distracted me for a little while. Everytime I think about it, I almost start crying again. And V'ten has the same problems I do, pretty much. Well, except for the whole near-death experiences fighting Thread. Then again, I /am/ in high school.

Which I hate. I wish I wasn't a teenager. No, on second thought, I'd settle for seventeen and three quarters. That will be the June /after/ I graduate.

I hate this. I can't even go online to escape, because that doesn't make me happy. We had a meeting on the plot to move forward to the new database. I don't think V'ten is going. Hell, /I/ might not go. I might just idle off and let Holly have her fun. Not like there would be a lot of upset, because I don't think hardly anybody knows me anymore.

And I know that's my own fucking fault. I don't do anything anymore, but I can't. I just don't care. I hate V'ten, I hate his life, I hate my life. It's hard to do stuff when you hate it.

I try to get involved so I feel important, but then.. I just feel overextended, and stressed out, even if I'm not doing much of anything. I have a research paper due. I went to school an hour late today because I spent the time I was supposed to be at first period typing the paper that was due in it. Of course, Holly had hers done well before this morning.

I'm going to bed. I need some sleep before tomorrow, or I'll feel even worse. If that's possible.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 05:07:53 GMT

It's back to school tomorrow. I hate going to school. It sucks.

I still don't have a prom date, and I have to buy tickets by Tuesday. I don't think I'm going. I don't want to end up tagging along with KC, Holly, and their dates. I feel bad enough just following them around without guys.

Payden suggested Jonathan, but I don't like him, and I don't like her. Zach is a jerk who is not going to ask me. I have given up on him. He is too enthralled with Payden, that arrogant, stuck-up bitch.

In other news, the puppies are growing well. We finally named them, Holly and I. We now have Amos, Dior, Khepri, and Dannes that I named, and Jack, Charlie, Bram, and Fletcher that Holly named. My mother thinks we're crazy. Dogs should be named Fido, Blackie, or Rover.

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 03:58:48 GMT

I'm really lonely.

It seems like everyone else is so distant. I don't have any close friends in real life, just people I tag along with. I can't even get my supposedly "best friend" to take me to prom -- or any other guy, either. I really want to go with my friend or one other guy, the one who actually provided a basis for V'ten (even though they're nothing alike anymore. And really weren't so much to start with.).

We had threadfall tonight on SouCon. I stayed for the first part, then left so Holly could have the computer to herself. We couldn't handle the double load of spam from both of us being involved, and she has people she's closer to, so I let her have it. She'd never done it before, anyway.

She let me have it back, and I'm out RPing, but my heart's not in it. I see everybody band together in the landing field after the fall, and I feel left out because I'm not in there with them. But I can't be involved, and I don't blame them. V'ten just doesn't fit in anymore, like me. Now Vette's moping because he hates fall.

I wish I had asked to injure him, probably severely. Maybe even killed them, even though I still say I don't have the guts to do that.

Sun, 14 Mar 2004 23:55:16 GMT

I wish my mother would just leave me alone. She has to run everything about my life. I don't wear this, I don't fix my hair like this. She's never happy with how I look and act. Then she tells me she hates my friends and that they all talk about me behind my back. And now she's decided if I don't do what she wants as far as wearing certain clothes and everything, I can't get on the computer. Then she announces that all there is on the internet is filth, and that must be what I'm doing all day. I hate her sometimes. I wish she would just go away and let me be happy.

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 01:39:57 GMT

Which Member of the Endless Are You?

Funfun. I love quizzes.

Monday is my grandmother's birthday, so we had a big party. My cousin came up and brought her daughter, who will be four in April. She's really cute.

Anyway, we're not leaving for Washington until 10 tomorrow night. I thought we were leaving at 10 that morning. So I'll be on tomorrow. Yay! :)

Is it so wrong to..

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 04:35:35 GMT

Is it so wrong to hate someone? Sometimes I think I hate my cousin. I mean, I adore her and everything, but I hate her, too, because she's everything I'm not. She's friendly, out-going, a great basketball player, popular, pretty, etc. The list goes on and on.

I love that she likes SouCon so much, but.. I guess I'm jealous, because I feel all neglected now. Everybody seems to adore her and her character (at least OOC), and, well. I don't think I'm nearly so likeable, or as good a RPer. And I feel awful because I am jealous, but I can't help it.

I feel petty, too, because I get upset over silly stuff. But anyway..

I'm going to be gone all next week. The junior and senior classes go to Washington, D.C. every other year. It'll be fun, I guess, but.. I'm taking my laptop, but I probably won't be able to conenct. If I do, it'll only be for a few minutes, long enough to check email and +mail if I'm lucky. I'm kind of bummed about that now. :/

Puppies!

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 03:15:25 GMT

My dog had puppies. They're about two weeks old, and she finally brought them up to the house because it was drizzling rain all day. There are eight. There's one solid black male, one black male with a white chest and paws, two brownish-gold females, one brownish-gold male, two greyish-brown males with dark brown spots, and one greyish-brown female with dark brown spots. The spotted ones are kind of ugly, but they're still so cute because they're puppies! Their eyes aren't even open yet; a couple of them are starting to, though.

I also got a new digital camera the other night (the day we discovered the puppies, actually!), so I took pictures. :D